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Zachary Byron Helm's LiveJournal:
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| Saturday, July 11th, 2009 | | 4:02 pm |
GOTHIC PICNIC THIS SUNDAY!!!
Just a quick heads up, the Gothic Picnic will be this Sunday the 12th at Observatory park in Denver at 2930 E Warren Ave (a little ways East of Broadway on Evans and Warren) at 4:00 PM. This is the one that started them all so be sure to show up and have a good time if you are in the area! | | Sunday, July 5th, 2009 | | 4:30 am |
Destructacon was great. Goth girl hot oil wrestling was awesome, the destruction was very thorough this year, pretty much everyone left with a little more burn glass, metal and plastic in their lungs than they came with, or should medically speaking, still be alive with. The cops showed up too, it's not really my party until several police cars are out front because of a noise, explosion, balls of fire, flaming sword complaint. Also, one of the cop cars blasted "smooth criminal" over his loud speaker as he was leaving which was pretty fucking awesome. Pictures damned soon! | | Wednesday, July 1st, 2009 | | 11:37 pm |
Thanks to Landover Baptist Church I can never tell if things like this are real or not... Incidentally, yes, it is real. Not really looking to start a thread bagging on Christianity here, I really don't care one way or another, this is just epic. Plus there is a giant ass bible at about the halfway point that makes watching it worth it. | | 3:41 am |
Mountain adventures!
Great moments in dating Desiree... At the weekly Hare Krishna temple feast when one of the devotees tried to put a very wet, brown ball of something on her plate- Desiree - "Oh, no thanks!" Hare Krishna Devotee - "Do you even know what this IS?" Desiree - (short pause) "No..." Devotee - "You need to try it then" Me - (turning my head and laughing because I have never in my life seen a Krishna call someone out) At any rate, here are some pictures of our trip to the mountains last weekend.  Outside of the Knights of Pythias cemetery in Central City.    
Desiree's 1991 Superior hearse parked outside the gates.  Black white and sexay!      It's called Karate man, and only two people know it...the Chinese and the King, and one of them is me 
Looking towards the future, the SEXY future! 
The type of outfit you definitely want to wear if you are climbing mountains all day. Mountain Lions are infamously deterred by fabulously stylish outfits. True, they are notoriously fashion conscious predators. Also, they're mostly queers, but you didn't hear that from me. 
Nothing says "loving couple" quite like staring off indifferently into the distance with blank expressions while wearing sunglasses and making no physical contact. Actually it's because all the cute, hugging style pictures we took kind of sucked that day. 
Hey, can you look closely and tell me what, aside from slightly different coloring, is different between the last two pictures?*  If you want to become a serious photographer the first thing you need to learn is that taking pictures of things reflected in other things is ABSOLUTELY the deepest form of artistic expression EVER. It works on so many levels, like on one hand you're looking at something, but on the other hand there's something else there that's reflected in the first thing...ok, actually it only works on two levels, but fuck you. *Not a god damned thing. I hope you didn't fuck away too much time before figuring that one out. | | Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 | | 7:45 pm |
Destructacon 2009!!!
 Destructacon is happening again this year! Home made weapons, flamethrowers and goth girl Jello wrestling! Send an email to incode64 at yahoo do com for the exact location (invite only!) the party is $2 (to help cover clean up and construction costs) We are also in need of volunteers for Goth Girl Jello Wrestling this year, so if you would like to wrestle around in a lot of Jello, send me a message! Photos from last years event here! http://www.hearseclub.com/images/gallery 2007/55_destructacon2007/destructacon.ht m -Zachary | | Thursday, June 11th, 2009 | | 11:29 pm |
Gettin' sued by a credit card company!
Seeking some help for a friend who is getting sued by a credit card company here... Basically they had a Capitol One card with a $200 balance from back around the early part of the 2000's and they are now getting sued for over $1,500 (interest and legal fees) Here is the question - I do know that in order to sue someone or pursue them in a matter of debt there are certain procedures you have to follow, you also have to have certain documentation, which due to the age of the debt they may or may not still have a record of. Has anyone out there had this experience and if so is there any sort of advice you could offer to someone getting into this situation? Here I am thinking of things like loopholes or even legal procedures/documentation they may have skimped on because they know the average layman or lay-woman would not be aware them. Any advice or pointers are appreciated! Thanks! | | 10:36 am |
IMPORTANT PSA
Not to sound like a dick, but - STOP SENDING ME FUCKING MESSAGES THROUGH T HIS NEW BULLSHIT YAHOO MESSENGER THAT US ES YAHOO MAIL! This is seriously the shittiest thing to happen to the web in the last 5 minutes. Nothing against any of you, but if I wanted to use a chat program, I would download one. There are certain places I don't need to be reachable every second of the day so people can ask me the ever important question of how it happens to be going at that particular moment. I don't WANT to fucking chat with you in my email, I logged into my email so I could send an E-FUCKING-MAIL, I already chose the medium of communication I wanted to use, this shit is like stuffing a motorcycle into the backseat of someone's car and starting it for them in an effort to dissuade them from using the car. Why the fuck does Myspace and Yahoo think we ABSOLUTELY have to have a chat program intigrated to the point where people can harrass each other all the time? Let it the fuck GO! Fuck chatting anyway, it's the most useless form of communication aside from texting ever invented. There has never, in the history of the world, been an important discussion that affects the human race in any modicum of importance that has taken place on any medium that employs "Smileys". Fucking NEVER. There has never been an "Abort Missle Launch!" command sent that was followed by "OMG DON'T NEWK THE M1DD1 3@ST!!! :) LOL!" The only thing that chat messages affect are the ever important issues of - 1. What that bitch said or did last night and subsequent confirmations of what a bitch she indeed is 2. Whether or not one 14 year old still loves the other one and if they are indeed going to be together forever (roughly defined as 4 months) 3. The assessment of how "It" is going. 4. Misc. dicketry too long to text but far too fucking stupid to utilize an email. In short, fuck this noise, thank you. | | Thursday, June 4th, 2009 | | 8:08 am |
Important PSA to all writers, film makers and creators of any kind...
A moment of your time please...NO MORE GOD DAMNED MOVIES, BOOKS, GAMES OR ANYTHING OF ANY KIND ABOUT GOD DAMNED, MOTHER FUCKING, SHIT EATING VAMPIRES!!!!!!
Jesus fucking christ on a pogo stick. I don't give a shit what your new "Twist"on the subject is, a futurist virus that causes people to be LIKE vampires, vampires that sparkle, go to highschool and then fuck, vampires that are only half vampire but all African American and drive muscle cars, vampires that look like six year olds and move in next store to be your BFF, NONE OF IT. It is ALL SHIT. FUCK VAMPIRES.
There is NEVER EVER going to be a take on this timelessly shitty theme that is going to make it any less lame. Vampire stories are like fetish parties, you always hope that it's going to be a good one because the idea of it is sexy enough, but when it actually happens it totally sucks and is full of people who you see at Star Trek conventions dressed as pirates.
You know how there is certain shit that is unforgivable in life? Things that even if your best friend told you, you would have to disown them? Things like ""Oh hey, I fucked your girlfriend and I am a member of the 3H Club!"* or "Hey, I have something to tell you, I rape small boys!" yeah, well that is how I feel about finding out one of my friends likes vampire crap. To me there is no possible justification for having that interest and it automatically puts you in a category beyond tool, beyond tool shed, it makes you the fucking Snap-On truck. The only thing that makes it worse is if you add to it by spelling it Vampyre, for which you should be skull fucked to death while having to listen to Mariah Carey.
I know you kids think it is the "cool" thing to do, the hippest thing out there, but couldn't you do something a little more constructive and less embarrassing that will cause less shame later in life, like meth? I mean, acting like a vampire is something that can stay with you, contaminate your system for a LONG TIME. Do you really want your kids inadvertently finding out that you were a dildo back in 2009!?
Another thing, it isn't HIP. You know all those aging, old ass goths who have been around forever (of which I am one)? Well guess what, back in the 90's we were doing this crap, watching VHS copies of Interview With A Dick Wrangler With Hippy Hair, buying fake teeth and wearing capes, and you know what happened? The X-Files came out, we got obsessed with aliens instead and realized how gay the vampire thing was. You are using a fad that the aging hipsters discarded OVER A FUCKING DECADE AGO! You are wearing the bell bottom fad of the early to mid 90's dipshits! Not so cool now are you?
*Term Rich and I came up with for anyone exceedingly skanky, 3H = having the Herp, the HIV and the Hep.
| | 6:25 am |
You know, I always kind of figured that political leaders were all pretty much the same but I have to say I fucking like having Obama in office. It's nice to catch news stories on a daily basis that are centered on our countries leader doing things in a competent fashion, and better yet, it seems like MOST of these things are usually related to fixing the screwups of the last fucktard we had in office. Yeah, I know, I stated that I could give a shit less what Bush was doing, but honestly at the end it even got to ME how much that fool was screwing up our country. So far I have caught news stories about Obama getting us the hell out of crappy military situations on schedule, reversing Bush''s bullshit anti abortion rulings (along with a speech telling both sides of that debate to stop demonizing one another) and calling for improved relations with the Middle East. Somehow it mystifies me how people couldn't like Obama, fucking seriously. I am not highly political, but shit, isn't this what EVERYONE wanted? I new leader who is level headed, isn't full of shit and doesn't mispronounce "Nuclear" like a 4th grade special ed student from the Ozarks? Noocyoolar my ass. | | Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009 | | 12:02 pm |
| | 11:27 am |
 Saturday June 6th at 2:00 PM to 8:00 at Red and Jerry's we will be having our 3rd annual Hearse Convention and car show. (located at Santa Fe Drive and Oxford in scenic Sheridan Colorado)
We will have a huge showing of antique hearses, ambulances, live music, vendors as well as the Hearse Girls! This event is free to everyone, if you have a cool car and wish to join us there will also be a portion of the show field reserved for non hearse vehicles that are there to be shown off as well.
Please feel free to show up and spread the word in your own blogs, Myspace, etc! www.hearseclub.com for pictures from last years event! | | Monday, June 1st, 2009 | | 8:51 pm |
So a quick question, does anyone know where I can either download or watch Simpsons episodes online and not get a computerized version of horrible butt aids? Thanks in advance. | | Thursday, May 28th, 2009 | | 10:31 pm |
You know, women always want to be noticed for their personality, their intelligence, etc. They don't want to be seen as just some hot chick with breasts, they want to be seen for their less superficial qualities, the things that go deeper. Tonight I realized something...deep down, under everything else, as a man, I have a similar need. I like being seen as more, I like it when people look beyond the hair and the PVC and realize that deep down, I'm a good welder. Feels pretty nice when someone goes "Hey, you're a good welder" Anyway, like 10 people out there will know what a good compliment that is! | | Wednesday, May 27th, 2009 | | 5:59 pm |
Well, it's finally happening, the League of Extraordinary Industrial Retards is nearing completion, final filming takes place this weekend for the epic first chapter (there's only 2 chapters, should be about half an hour long per chapter)
There's one line that I keep repeating from the movie today that Rich says in the first scene... "THAT'S UNFORTUNATE!" Mostly because I deal with a lot of whining in my job and there's really only so much I can give a shit for $11 an hour, you know? Plus they are waffling on whether or not they want to let me off for the Utah Dark Arts Festival, which is TRULY unfortunate for them because I'd rather fucking die than miss that festival. I'll leave on fucking monday and WALK there if I have to, so my job can kinda suck it if they think I am going to come to work and listen to people complain rather than get my balls rocked off at Dark Arts. Living with Sage has been awesome, he has yet to find a job, which means he has been relegated to being an indentured intern for all my various bullshit projects. If I had to give Sage a designation at this point it would be "Human Belt Sander" which he is quite good at. More to the point though, we've had an awesome time cooking burgers and Totinos pizza, the only items in our actual food budget at this point. Here are a few pics from our epic last few weeks -
Desiree being hot as hell at Texas Di Brazil. She is, in fact, a vegetarian, which does not go well at this restaurant where fucking EVERYTHING is beef, and what isn't beef is chicken wrapped in bacon and stuffed in beef. She described the experience as "Similar to being a crack addict in a crack house" as she still loves meat but doesn't eat it anyway, she is a tortured soul.
Ever since I saw Wierd Science I wanted an all blue kitchen, now I at least have a shit ton of LEDs that make everything blue. Makes it really hard to tell when my food is going bad though, I have to walk outside to look at my bread to check for mold. 
To-fucking-matos!
Check out what I saw approaching with my super ninja sense!
They did not wave back...
Captain D's, fucking delicious!
Dirty soiled mattress the day of League filming for the win!
I hope you have Hobo-Aids insurance.
"Take him AWAY!"
Joe and Sage as the Wannabe Nazi Death In June Fans.
I am full of love!
Desiree waiting while we rigged special effects.
Getting Rob ready
A little something for the police to ponder tomorrow morning.
Cynthia and friend, we took them to prom as a favor, she paid for my alignment after the PBJ incident.
On our way back home...
Had to move the Pontiac over behind some bushes. Basically we are allowed to have an unlicensed vehicle as long as it is obstructed from public view, so we figured we could get it behind that fucking bush and it would work. According to code enforcement, that was a good idea but we still had to parallel park a non running car with no steering. Basically we pushed it, pulled it with another hearse, then finally bounced it up and down until it bounced into place.
Sage, wondering why he moved to Colorado.. was it just to help me push my busted ass shit around 24/7??? I submit that the answer is yes.
Comealong, best tool ever.
I called this technique Zacoflage. Can't even see the fucker!
The kind of thing that you see on a sunday around Hearse House.
Desiree fixing her brakes.
This is what I look like with my hair pulled back into a pony tail. Testing the new thrower.
Adjusting the valve we paid too fucking much for.
Test 1
Sage on the roof.
Oh, by the way, no you can't have an LJ cut. If you didn't want to see...STUFF, you shouldn't be on the internet.
| | Thursday, May 21st, 2009 | | 10:40 am |
Here is a hint to job seekers - When you are applying for jobs, and you see the words "Fast paced office, must be able to multitask" it does NOT mean that business is great and that the workflow is brisk but you should be able to keep up with it if you are proficient at doing more than one thing at once. I was thinking about this while sitting at my lousy ass job today, how job descriptions have more euphemisms than a Barry White box set from Time Life. I thought, for the sake of entertainment, and to blow off some steam (because this job sucks so long and hard that if I don't, I am coming back with a sledgehammer and killing everyone involved) I would take the time to write up a classified job posting, as it would appear if employers were legally required to give full disclosure in their ads. No more "Fast paced office" no more "Seeking qualified candidates" just straight up money shots of truth. Wouldn't that be nice? Knowing EXACTLY what you are getting into before you show up? Here is about how it would read... "Our business is totally fucked up. Shit is going to be more fucked than a 6 year old boy at a Catholic Priest convention all the time because we consistently under staff to save a few dollars. We need to hire someone who will compensate for all the shit that is going wrong on a constant basis because we're too god damned stupid to see a connection between our actions and the condition of the office. Ideal candidate will come in and work their ass off for shit pay that would only be commensurate with the job description if we ever stuck to it, but we won't. We're going to pile every crap on job we can think of on top of your already bullshit workload. While you're here we're either going to fire a bunch of people or they are going to wise up and leave, at which point we are going to waffle on whether we should hire anyone new or just pile even more shit on your illustrious shit plate. We are going to fail to properly anticipate our business needs by hiring an appropriate number of people for the workload, then act like it is the fault of the employees when everything gets backed up. That's right, you are going to absorb all our screwups, like a big ass fuckup sponge! Must be proficient in Windows, by which we mean to say, you must be able to work on a PC that we purchased for $50 on Craigslist 7 years ago and is operating at least 65% under the minimum system requirements needed to run our companies antiquated proprietary software that never works the way it is supposed to and is more counterintuitive than putting a cork in your urethra after a night of drinking. All applicants must be willing to come in early and wait around, unpaid, while the computer takes 15 minutes to boot every morning. Although we are going to constantly chew on your ass like it was a piece of rawhide about how fast you are working, we are going to refuse to update essential office equipment that is completely negating your efforts to work faster. Must be able to work independently and without close supervision. Not that you are going to actually GET any independence, we are going to be so far up your ass 8 hours a day, constantly micromanaging you nonstop, that if we went a centimeter further we'd need to be licensed proctologists. Exploratory ass riding, that's what we're going to do to you. Your previous training experience, training and schooling will not be taken into account because we are going to treat you like a special ed student with mittens pinned to their jackets even when you are performing the most brainless of tasks. Please bring two forms of ID and a big shit eating smile you can wear the entire time that we are talking about what a great company we are and how we are on our way up. We plan to slather you with a bunch of smarmy palabre about what a great company we are, just falling short of actually telling you we're doing you a favor by LETTING you work here. By the end, you'll be nodding along, thinking we're Mother-Fucking-Teresa of the job market. Also, be prepared to get fired. We might just be hiring you, but it's probably a good idea not to get too comfortable, don't bring in too much shit from home because you're only going to last 2 years or less here before we walk you out the door. At the first sign of economic trouble it is important for companies to go through massive layoffs to avoid losing profit. Of course, if companies kept their workforces active through economic down times, recessions and whatnot would actually have less overall impact, but we're not going to think about that. In fact, we have been doing so well NOT thinking that we are going to continue for as long as we can. One day you will be sitting there, thinking everything is alright and we will call you into the office, where some bouffant having, cheap red lipstick and old lady perfume by the gallon wearing H.R. representative is going to smile big, act friendly and then cheerfully inform you that you are getting the big old ax. Then we will have you walked out by our security guard, which is insult enough, but the fact that all our security guards are so old they have social security numbers that are only 2 digits will be a fantastic added insult to your dignity while a surly manager packs up your desk in your absence." | | Wednesday, May 20th, 2009 | | 5:45 pm |
DICKBUTT
So this is one of those days where I want to find a happy family, one where the kids are smiling, preferably wearing matching outfits and singing songs while eating icecream on some sun drenched flowerbed somewhere. Then I want to hold the kids up, jugular level with the parents and stab them all through the neck and leave them pinned to a wall. Not so much because I hate people with icecream, this has just been a fucking suck ass day and it would make me feel better. At any rate, I didn't think ANYTHING could make me smile today, but I was wrong, I had forgotten about this internet gem...  | | Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 | | 11:04 am |
Welchs video update!
So I finally got an answer from Welch's about the video contest. In no uncertain terms, a really shitty, really poorly planned and executed video won and ours did not. You know, here is the thing...I know everyone probably feels like they deserved to win, but honestly, ours kicked ass. We had scenes, a plot twist, a car chase, I mean COME THE FUCK ON, the winning entry pretty much had some banal ass kid cuting it the hell up for the camera and that was it. If anything, we over delivered, it's like the contest was to build a boat, everyone else built rafts out of logs and we built the Battleship Potemkin. At any rate, fuck em all with an iron pipe. I reuploaded the video on Youtube since a few people have asked to see it again. New update coming soon. VERY seriously though, thank you to everyone who voted for it and pimped the video everywhere, you guys fucking rock! | | Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | | 7:27 pm |
DVD capture?
Hey guys, sorry for a lack of updates lately. Sage has been living with me, which has been like drinking awesome from a fire hose, we have had some great times and gotten a lot accomplished. One thing is that we have been making huge movie progress, so HUZZAH! One question, does anyone have any recommendations on programs that allow you to capture DVD movies to your computer that are free? If so, please let me know, I am revamping the SORP Films website and that would help me along quite a bit! Take care! -Zachary | | Friday, May 8th, 2009 | | 4:04 am |
Star Trek movie review
Star Trek was pretty damned fucking good. I also got to see the horrible GI Joe trailer followed by the even worse trailer for the new Transformers movie. Both received wild applause and numerous fanboy pants jizzings throughout the audience by people who think special effects mixed with raping childhood memories makes a great movie. The highpoint in that 8 minute span was that after everyone finished shouting with glee over the Transformers trailer there was a 3 second pause in which I screamed out "DIE MICHAEL BAY!" which caused several people to laugh and a few hundred people to wonder if they could possibly gang up and take on the 6 foot 3 guy with a mohawk, to which the obvious answer is no, I'd fucking ruin their shit. I don't get into heated debates about politics because it's stupid, no one wins and I don't care, but man, I will motherfucking RUIN a bitch over SciFi, and supporting Michael Bay is like saying the Holocaust never happened to me, it just isn't cool and only an all consumingly horrible, substandard human being could possibly do it.I could care less what our military is involved with in whatever country whose name lacks sufficient vowells that we're busy fucking with this month, but SciFi, it's different you know, it's...how should I say this, important. At any rate, go see Star Trek, it was awesome, even if you do think Picard is the superior officer (and you would be absolutely correct in that statement) you will still walk away not feeling like you got jipped. Thank the fuck Christ too, maybe now we can start concentrating on a space age franchise that IS NOT just coasting along on the success of it's first three movies **cough** **Star Wars** Seriously, fuck Star Wars. There, I said it. That franchise used to be AWESOME, when I was fucking SIX and I didn't know shit about what a good plot, characters or acting were comprised of. It boasts basically the complexity of a child's imagination. When I was six to eleven, I though it kicked ass, but I also thought a lot of stupid stuff was great back then. The fact that there are grown adults out there that still love this horrible movie franchise baffles me. At any rate, Trek rocked and should remind EVERYONE out there that there is only ONE franchise with two syllables and the word STAR in the title that's worth two shits. Oh yeah, and it happens to be a franchise that while they do have an occasional miss, they at least made more than three movies that were not followed by onscreen abortions that had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. PREQUEL WIN for Trek, something that Lucas will NEVER accomplish in any capacity. Honestly for me though, what really made it was Chekhov and the Enterprise itself. The Enterprise really had a lot of character in it's movements and presentation, more than any other starship in history. Go see this movie. | | Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | | 11:33 pm |
Ok, fuck it.
 I'm writing a book. I don't care if it never gets published, it's going to be a retelling of my life story up to present, with an emphasis on all the crazy shit that has happened because of a possibly ill advised lifestyle obsession. Fast Times In Deadly Cars. Like I said, if it does not get published, fuck it. I just need to write down some of this craziness before I forget it all. If it does not get published I will post it online. |
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