Zachary Byron Helm (pyrotech_c3h8) wrote,
Zachary Byron Helm
pyrotech_c3h8

Vegans...my lack of give a shit, let me show you it.

Yesterday I had this idea. I figured I could write a humor entry that was funny and effective but that also relied less on creative combinations of profanity and wasn’t almost entirely based on a vicious attack on a group of people, riddled with numerous insults and allegations of a highly personal nature.

I started writing something that was pretty close to that idea…then I got bored and wrote this instead. It’s about vegans. If you’re a vegan you might want to skip reading this. You also might want to do something with your life and stop trying to make it seem like you’re mother fucking Theresa just because you only eat chic peas. Now, there are a few vegans out there who aren’t total dicks about it and don’t get all pious about their beliefs, so if you’re one of nearly half a dozen vegans who aren’t all consuming dick lords about their beliefs, you have nothing to be offended about by this entry. But I hear you asking “Zac, I am your friend and I am a vegan, should I include myself in this category of vegan dickheadetry?”

That is an excellent question, and for your convenience, I have constructed a handy test to help you ascertain whether you should, in fact, consider yourself a vegan ass wipe, or if you are actually tolerable. Please answer the following question –

True or False – I am a vegan, and I think everyone else should be.

If you answered false, then you are either not a vegan and are exempt, or you ARE a vegan, but you don’t think that everyone else on the planet needs to think and act as you do. If you answered TRUE, you are an asshole. Sorry. Just because you’re down with the animals, and frogs, and not using cats as condom testers doesn’t mean I have to be, so if you have the attitude that this is some sort of holy war, yes, you are indeed a douche.

There is only one vegetarian out there who actually has my respect for their beliefs and it is A. Whitney Brown, who kicks so much ass most people don’t even KNOW he’s funny. He used to appear on Saturday Night Live from time to time but never got many laughs because he used big words and didn’t rely on visual gags. He was once quoted as saying “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate vegetables” which is downright fucking awesome.

As for the rest of you vegans first of all, everyone always has to let you know when they’re a vegan. I DON’T CARE. I’ll ask someone if I can offer them some beef jerky and then I get this response-

“Oh, I can’t eat THAT…I’m vegan!”

Ok fuck-o-whirl, I didn’t ask if you were a vegan, I didn’t ask for insight into your personal beliefs. I asked if you wanted some beef fucking jerky. And the answer is yes you sanctimonious cock juicer, you DO want beef jerky. EVERYONE wants beef jerky. It’s impossible NOT to want it. Why do you think they sell it at Walmart, gas stations, hospitals and some of your more affluent funeral homes? Because human beings NEVER want to be more than 17 feet from the opportunity to get more beef jerky. So stop lying and just give me the HONEST answer, which is of course –

“Yes. I do want beef jerky. More than I want to get my pole smoked by every living Playboy Bunny, but I am a pussy who can’t eat meat so I am just going to go over here and chew on some vegan Jerky which is a shitty approximation of real food.”

Incidentally, I tried vegan beef jerky. I’ve tried a LOT of vegan food because as a man, it is impossible NOT to taste something, even if you know it is going to taste like the ass of a well used hooker that has burnt marshmallows stuffed in it. All real men on the planet know this. If one of your friends tastes something TERRIBLE, the next thing out of their mouths is going to be “Man, this tastes like fucking SHIT! Try it!” at which point, you are legally obligated to try it. If you fail to try it you are immediately taken to a sex change clinic to have your new vagina installed.

At any rate, I tried some vegan beef jerky with Shad the other day, and it was honestly WORST thing I have ever had. It’s visual appearance was DEAD ON for rat turds that have been smooshed flat, and the taste was like shoe leather mixed with burnt pubes.

And that’s another thing, fuck you guys and your vegan versions of our food. That just proves my point. You guys always have to make your vegan renditions of our delicious meat filled foods. If meat is so fucking horrible and gross, then why do you always have to make shit so you can PRETEND you’re eating it? Are you having god damned separation anxiety!? You know what that is like? It’s like saying you abhor incest, can’t stand it and are absolutely appalled by the idea and would never in a million years fuck a family member because it’s wrong and immoral. Then you spend all your time asking your boyfriend to dress up like an old man and calling him ‘Daddy’ the entire time he’s fucking you for getting a C- in geometry. If you were so repulsed by meat you wouldn’t spend all your time trying to make YOUR food taste as much like it as you can. You still want meet fuckers, stop denying it.

I hate to be the one to tell you (by which I mean to say I absolutely revel in the moment) but your food sucks. Vegan food production standards are most closely akin to dressing up people with down syndrome to try to look like popular super models. First off, even if it were possible to overlook the hooker ass crack taste of most of it, they can never even get two of the easiest aspect of it nailed down. The color and size are usually all fucked up. I remember trying vegan marshmallows one time. As I was trying to not notice how they tasted like sand filled balls of phlegm I couldn’t help but notice that they were only 1/4 the size of a regular marshmallow, not really close to cylindrical and they were for some reason a sickly yellow. It was like a bag of marshmallows got aids and was in the advanced stages of some questionable treatment. If Mengele made marshmallows, these would have been the result. Mengelemallows. They are THAT fucked up.

Look, stop making shit ass food and then trying to make it like OURS, okay? Stop calling it vegan steak, or vegan burger, or vegan ham slices. It’s not even close to the real thing and if you were not nearly 35% brain dead from a B12 deficiency you’d realize it and just start naming everything APPROPRIATE names. Instead of vegan salami you could just name it “Compressed shit slice #42A”.

Not cooking vegetables. That’s another one that gets me, you vegans who have to go the EXTRA yard and don’t COOK your shit. It’s like being “above” all of us meat eaters was no longer ENOUGH for you dick fags, you actually have to be better than OTHER ASSHOLE VEGANS too, so you decided not cooking your shit in some way makes you even MORE vegan than everyone else. Fucking WHY!? Weren’t you miserable enough already? Is there some contest among vegans that us meat eaters aren’t allowed to know about wherein you gain prestige and scene points by seeing who can stomp their life into the worst shitty ass excuse for existence and gain the least amount of pleasure from living?

Then you have your vegan groups, the people who think it’s their solemn crusade to enlighten the population as to the previously unknown fact that meet is made from animals, and that these animals are actually KILLED in order to make the meat! Wow, thanks guys! I hadn’t really ever thought about where meat, or eggs or milk came from! You mean to actually tell me that we have yet to develop a way of obtaining the precious meats of animals without killing them? NO! Why, being the stupid meat eater I am I never in a million years ever considered that!

I remember reading someone’s profile that boldly advised me “The animals don’t need your EXCUSES!” which is fine. My excuses have no particular need for animals. My delicious appetite however does need animals. It needs them medium rare, juicy and succulent and in some cases finely marinated. NOM, NOM, NOM!!!

Guess what, I guarantee you every meat eater out there has had the moment of clarity where we have thought about the fact that we are eating a previously living animal. We’ve thought about the moral implications of our actions and asked ourselves if we should stop eating meat in order to make the world a better place. On behalf of meat eaters everywhere, let me be the one to give you our unanimous verdict on the situation.

Nope.

Look, it’s YOUR lifestyle choice. Fine. Stop trying to convert the rest of the fucking world. It’s not going to happen. There is never going to be a glorious day where nothing edible has that horrible evil yellow dye in it that is derived from animals and McDonalds serves nothing but Boca Burgers. We rule this planet and if it comes right down to it, and you really want to fight about it, we will. To the death. Then we’ll eat your corpses, just to prove our point.

You’re not going to change us you ass lord cock bots. You think you’re so enlightened but going around thinking that everyone needs to do as you say is known as fascism. You know who else was a big time vegetarian? Hitler. And you know, even Hitler was less pushy and commandeering than most of you bastards.

Ok, since I can already hear the verbal shotguns of all you vegan dipshits being loaded out there, let me assure you, there is no need to debate this with me. I don’t care, so please spare me your point by point response on this. I’m sure you have some great responses and counterpoints, and I am even more sure I don’t give a fucking shit.

And remember, being defined by what you are not is lame.

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I was veg for 4 years and vegan for 1. Since then I have more than "made up for lost time" with some awesomely delicious tasty meats, ostrich, duck, lamb, tuna steaks, venison, bison..... I wasn't vegan/veg for any "ethical" reason though, I had been tricked into thinking that it was the healthy thing to do - and then I became a stick person that everyone worried about. Now I am quite strong, I grew 1/2" taller (at age 28-29) with better skin and hair. What always got me was how people got SUCH an identity from their eating choices - I mean... is that the best you can do? We all have to eat stuff, but I don't have to go around saying that the most distinguishing trait of the sum of my being is what I will and will not eat. YEASH.
2 things... Years back when I first got my dog I bought this stuff that is a spray used on things you dont want the dog to chew on. The idea is it tastes so bad that the dog will avoid it. Being that I just HAD to know how bad, bad is I desided to use it in breath freshener fashion at the top of my stairs. I never flew down those stairs faster in my life as I dove to put my mouth on the faucet and turn it on full blast. Than while trying to remember where the vinegar was hoping it would break down the substance my buddy walks in. In the midst of my frantic running around and yelling "iths baaaad! iths baaad!" I hand it to him and yelled over that he had to try it. Being a true sensate like myself he did and joined me in the search for vinegar. heh

The other thing is something I had thought up about vegans a while ago that you left out. If you think about it only in countries like the ours are people so pompous as to come up with something like being a vegan. In 3rd world countries and in places where the options are limited do you think there are people starving to death saying sorry cant do it, I dont want to kill the animal to feed my kids. Fuck no, I would like to take vegans and make them live out in the middle of no where for a year or 3 with only hunting and fishing gear. Maybe that tiny nut job percent would choose to die but the rest would all of a sudden be excited about that juicy rabbit or deer roasting on a spit. I think the majority of vegans do so out of the need to belong to some kind of elitest group so that they can somehow make themselves feel special. If you could somehow remove the feeling to acceptance they get from other vegans or the smug attitude they feel they have the right to have, than they probably wouldnt even bother. A good friend of mine was vegan for year, did the whole raw diet thing and all and one day he got a job at butchers and gave it up. I was proud.
why has nobody started to bitch at the for eating vegetables? those are living things... and they don't have big dewy eyes and pitiable screams to guilt people into not eating them. fuck man, they found out that broccoli has a really basic nervous-like system, and we boil them raw... and then people throw a bitch fit over tossing a gigantic undersea cockroach into a pot and eating it with garlic sauce. For one thing to live, lots of things have to die. thats how nature works, and people who say otherwise are just full of shit.
I am laughing so hard I am having an asthma attack, if only I ate more meat i would have the strength to breathe properly....
referred by a mate.

only one problem i can see with this AMAZING rant:

Why'd you have to Godwin it????

T
I was actually planning on making a video discussing veganism since my last two girlfriends were both vegans. You beat me to the punch!
I will say one thing about vegans that you failed to mention here: Going down on a vegan girl tastes a hundred times better than going down on a meat-eating girl.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up my fried chicken and hamburgers.
This is probably the best response I have ever seen. As folklore goes, this was written shortly after Mr Black read an article on scientists' findings that plants feel pain.


The Vegetarian's Nightmare
(a dissertation on plants' rights)

Ladies and diners 1 make you
A shameful, degrading confession.
A deed of disgrace in the name of good taste
Though I did it 1 meant no aggression.

1 had planted a garden last April
And lovingly sang it a ballad.
But later in June beneath a full moon
Forgive me, 1 wanted a salad!

So 1 slipped out and fondled a carrot
Caressing its feathery top.
With the force of a brute 1 tore out the root!
It whimpered and came with a pop!

Then laying my hand on a radish
1 jerked and it left a small crater.
Then with the blade of my True Value spade
1 exhumed a slumbering tater!

Celery 1 plucked, 1 twisted a squash!
Tomatoes were wincing in fear.
1 choked the Romaine. It screamed out in pain,
Their anguish was filling my ears!

I finally came to the lettuce
As it cringed at the top of the row
With one wicked slice 1 beheaded it twice
As it writhed, I dealt a death blow.

1 butchered the onions and parsley.
My hoe was all covered with gore.
1 chopped and 1 whacked without looking back
Then 1 stealthily slipped in the door.

My bounty lay naked and dying
So 1 drowned them to snuff out their life.
1 sliced and 1 peeled as they thrashed and they reeled
On the cutting board under my knife.

1 violated tomatoes
So their innards could never survive.
1 grated and ground 'til they made not a sound
Then 1 boiled the tater alive!

Then 1 took the small broken pieces
1 had tortured and killed with my hands
And tossed them together, heedless of whether
They suffered or made their demands.

1 ate them. Forgive me, I'm sorry
But hear me, though I'm a beginner
Those plants feel pain, though it's hard to explain
To someone who eats them for dinner!

1 intend to begin a crusade
For PLANT'S RIGHTS, including chick peas.
The A.C.L.U. will be helping me, too.
In the meantime, please pass the bleu cheese.

Baxter Black
Coyote Cowboy Poetry 1986

P.S. This was read at a P.E.T.A. function one time. The officials of the function begged Mr Black to "Go forth and multiply" only not quite in those words.
"Eggplant tastes like eggplant....But Meat tastes like murder and murder tastes pretty God damn good!"
-Dennis Leary
Zac, you are like a healthy schlong in the herpetic mouth of the world.

Whatever the fuck that means.

It's a compliment.
...Kinda like, casting pearl necklaces before swine.

Whatever the fuck that means.

It's a compliment.
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