Yesterday I had this idea. I figured I could write a humor entry that was funny and effective but that also relied less on creative combinations of profanity and wasn’t almost entirely based on a vicious attack on a group of people, riddled with numerous insults and allegations of a highly personal nature.
I started writing something that was pretty close to that idea…then I got bored and wrote this instead. It’s about vegans. If you’re a vegan you might want to skip reading this. You also might want to do something with your life and stop trying to make it seem like you’re mother fucking Theresa just because you only eat chic peas. Now, there are a few vegans out there who aren’t total dicks about it and don’t get all pious about their beliefs, so if you’re one of nearly half a dozen vegans who aren’t all consuming dick lords about their beliefs, you have nothing to be offended about by this entry. But I hear you asking “Zac, I am your friend and I am a vegan, should I include myself in this category of vegan dickheadetry?”
That is an excellent question, and for your convenience, I have constructed a handy test to help you ascertain whether you should, in fact, consider yourself a vegan ass wipe, or if you are actually tolerable. Please answer the following question –
True or False – I am a vegan, and I think everyone else should be.
If you answered false, then you are either not a vegan and are exempt, or you ARE a vegan, but you don’t think that everyone else on the planet needs to think and act as you do. If you answered TRUE, you are an asshole. Sorry. Just because you’re down with the animals, and frogs, and not using cats as condom testers doesn’t mean I have to be, so if you have the attitude that this is some sort of holy war, yes, you are indeed a douche.
There is only one vegetarian out there who actually has my respect for their beliefs and it is A. Whitney Brown, who kicks so much ass most people don’t even KNOW he’s funny. He used to appear on Saturday Night Live from time to time but never got many laughs because he used big words and didn’t rely on visual gags. He was once quoted as saying “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate vegetables” which is downright fucking awesome.
As for the rest of you vegans first of all, everyone always has to let you know when they’re a vegan. I DON’T CARE. I’ll ask someone if I can offer them some beef jerky and then I get this response-
“Oh, I can’t eat THAT…I’m vegan!”
Ok fuck-o-whirl, I didn’t ask if you were a vegan, I didn’t ask for insight into your personal beliefs. I asked if you wanted some beef fucking jerky. And the answer is yes you sanctimonious cock juicer, you DO want beef jerky. EVERYONE wants beef jerky. It’s impossible NOT to want it. Why do you think they sell it at Walmart, gas stations, hospitals and some of your more affluent funeral homes? Because human beings NEVER want to be more than 17 feet from the opportunity to get more beef jerky. So stop lying and just give me the HONEST answer, which is of course –
“Yes. I do want beef jerky. More than I want to get my pole smoked by every living Playboy Bunny, but I am a pussy who can’t eat meat so I am just going to go over here and chew on some vegan Jerky which is a shitty approximation of real food.”
Incidentally, I tried vegan beef jerky. I’ve tried a LOT of vegan food because as a man, it is impossible NOT to taste something, even if you know it is going to taste like the ass of a well used hooker that has burnt marshmallows stuffed in it. All real men on the planet know this. If one of your friends tastes something TERRIBLE, the next thing out of their mouths is going to be “Man, this tastes like fucking SHIT! Try it!” at which point, you are legally obligated to try it. If you fail to try it you are immediately taken to a sex change clinic to have your new vagina installed.
At any rate, I tried some vegan beef jerky with Shad the other day, and it was honestly WORST thing I have ever had. It’s visual appearance was DEAD ON for rat turds that have been smooshed flat, and the taste was like shoe leather mixed with burnt pubes.
And that’s another thing, fuck you guys and your vegan versions of our food. That just proves my point. You guys always have to make your vegan renditions of our delicious meat filled foods. If meat is so fucking horrible and gross, then why do you always have to make shit so you can PRETEND you’re eating it? Are you having god damned separation anxiety!? You know what that is like? It’s like saying you abhor incest, can’t stand it and are absolutely appalled by the idea and would never in a million years fuck a family member because it’s wrong and immoral. Then you spend all your time asking your boyfriend to dress up like an old man and calling him ‘Daddy’ the entire time he’s fucking you for getting a C- in geometry. If you were so repulsed by meat you wouldn’t spend all your time trying to make YOUR food taste as much like it as you can. You still want meet fuckers, stop denying it.
I hate to be the one to tell you (by which I mean to say I absolutely revel in the moment) but your food sucks. Vegan food production standards are most closely akin to dressing up people with down syndrome to try to look like popular super models. First off, even if it were possible to overlook the hooker ass crack taste of most of it, they can never even get two of the easiest aspect of it nailed down. The color and size are usually all fucked up. I remember trying vegan marshmallows one time. As I was trying to not notice how they tasted like sand filled balls of phlegm I couldn’t help but notice that they were only 1/4 the size of a regular marshmallow, not really close to cylindrical and they were for some reason a sickly yellow. It was like a bag of marshmallows got aids and was in the advanced stages of some questionable treatment. If Mengele made marshmallows, these would have been the result. Mengelemallows. They are THAT fucked up.
Look, stop making shit ass food and then trying to make it like OURS, okay? Stop calling it vegan steak, or vegan burger, or vegan ham slices. It’s not even close to the real thing and if you were not nearly 35% brain dead from a B12 deficiency you’d realize it and just start naming everything APPROPRIATE names. Instead of vegan salami you could just name it “Compressed shit slice #42A”.
Not cooking vegetables. That’s another one that gets me, you vegans who have to go the EXTRA yard and don’t COOK your shit. It’s like being “above” all of us meat eaters was no longer ENOUGH for you dick fags, you actually have to be better than OTHER ASSHOLE VEGANS too, so you decided not cooking your shit in some way makes you even MORE vegan than everyone else. Fucking WHY!? Weren’t you miserable enough already? Is there some contest among vegans that us meat eaters aren’t allowed to know about wherein you gain prestige and scene points by seeing who can stomp their life into the worst shitty ass excuse for existence and gain the least amount of pleasure from living?
Then you have your vegan groups, the people who think it’s their solemn crusade to enlighten the population as to the previously unknown fact that meet is made from animals, and that these animals are actually KILLED in order to make the meat! Wow, thanks guys! I hadn’t really ever thought about where meat, or eggs or milk came from! You mean to actually tell me that we have yet to develop a way of obtaining the precious meats of animals without killing them? NO! Why, being the stupid meat eater I am I never in a million years ever considered that!
I remember reading someone’s profile that boldly advised me “The animals don’t need your EXCUSES!” which is fine. My excuses have no particular need for animals. My delicious appetite however does need animals. It needs them medium rare, juicy and succulent and in some cases finely marinated. NOM, NOM, NOM!!!
Guess what, I guarantee you every meat eater out there has had the moment of clarity where we have thought about the fact that we are eating a previously living animal. We’ve thought about the moral implications of our actions and asked ourselves if we should stop eating meat in order to make the world a better place. On behalf of meat eaters everywhere, let me be the one to give you our unanimous verdict on the situation.
Look, it’s YOUR lifestyle choice. Fine. Stop trying to convert the rest of the fucking world. It’s not going to happen. There is never going to be a glorious day where nothing edible has that horrible evil yellow dye in it that is derived from animals and McDonalds serves nothing but Boca Burgers. We rule this planet and if it comes right down to it, and you really want to fight about it, we will. To the death. Then we’ll eat your corpses, just to prove our point.
You’re not going to change us you ass lord cock bots. You think you’re so enlightened but going around thinking that everyone needs to do as you say is known as fascism. You know who else was a big time vegetarian? Hitler. And you know, even Hitler was less pushy and commandeering than most of you bastards.
Ok, since I can already hear the verbal shotguns of all you vegan dipshits being loaded out there, let me assure you, there is no need to debate this with me. I don’t care, so please spare me your point by point response on this. I’m sure you have some great responses and counterpoints, and I am even more sure I don’t give a fucking shit.
And remember, being defined by what you are not is lame.