PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

Back on for a bit

Man, I miss Live Journal.

Just looking at the format makes me remember days where people actually attempted writing compelling things and a lack of literacy was not all consuming. Facebook, it's just a fucking litany of vague, whiny posts, poorly executed diatribes that go nowhere and are completely mispelled and massive dispersion of misinformation in the form of pictures taken out of context and reposted for no god damned reason.

Anyways, who is still on here these days?
PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!


Some of you may be familiar with this event, most of you I am betting are not...

HearseCon is a large, very active gathering of antique ambulances and hearses. There will be food, music, fire, hot chicks, hearses and ambulances as well as a 10 minute show where all the ambulances sound off their lights and sirens, which is VERY loud and impressive to see in person.

The event is free and runs from 5-10PM this Saturday at 13th Floor Haunted House (4120 Brighton Blvd, just South of I-70) feel free to bring as many people as you like or cross post this information!

PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

If you wake up before noon on the weekends, you're an asshole.

An open letter to people who wake up early on the weekends.

I was driving to work today at the most horrible time ever conceived on a weekend (That is to say any time before noon) and as usual I was running a bit behind but I really needed some breakfast since I work what is commonly known as a "Total Bullshit weekend shift" and as such I really needed to stop at the ATM to get some money for food.

When I pulled up there were already 2 people at the drive up ATM so I didn't have time to wait and drove away while calling them various names that called into question the moral integrity of their mothers and referenced their affinities for suckling at the male phallus. At first I felt like, ok, I overreacted by damning these people who were just out like I was early in the morning on a weekend but then I had an epiphany. Fuck those bastard ass cocksuckers. Here's my reasoning:

First off, I could tell they weren't up for work like I was because if they were they'd be running late just like me and would not have time to dick around waiting in line. The main point of all this, and I am not even kidding you here is that if you wake up at 8:00 or any time before 12:00 AM on a Saturday or a Sunday, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. There is no exception there is no rule that absolves you from guilt, you are a shit sandwich with no corn.

But wait, it's YOUR weekend, you should be able to do what you want with it right? I mean, it doesn't affect anyone else if you want to get up a little early and get a head start on your day so why should anyone else care?

Well, in the longstanding tradition of assholes everywhere, you of course would see it that way because you're too busy lubing up your cocksocket so you can tongue it vigorously while telling yourself what a virtuous go getter you really are to see anything beyond your own selfishness. There are victims here, people like me. Yes, I am up early on a Saturday but it's because I have to work. Why do I have to work? Because there's a business need created by slimey pieces of dysentery blowback like yourself who wake up too damned early on the weekends and CREATE that need.

If everyone unilaterally agreed to sleep the fuck in until a reasonable hour, which I would submit is at LEAST 11am, no one ANYWHERE would have to get up to service a select few douchebags who want to go buy fucking drywall screws at 9:32 on a Sunday morning. Pretty much everyone I know who HAS to get up to go to work early on a weekend hates people like you and would much rather be at home doing ANY of the following more worthy tasks:

1. Sleeping
2. Sleeping then waking up, fucking then sleeping some more

But since YOU insist on getting out early that means the REST of us, the majority who are in fact right thinking, non assholes, have to get up too in order to service your crappy ass needs. There's a saying in Star Trek that is applicable here "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" whcih is why you NEVER see anyone in an episode of Star Trek blearily squinting around while demanding to know where the coffee is. Because even though they never actually say it, the fact is that Trek is a show about a better future and in a better future we would have Phasered all you smug, self righteous, early weekend risers to death or thrown your bitch asses out of an airlock for your selfishness a LONG time ago.

And no, it doesn't excuse you that you have something you think is worthwhile to do. You don't. All the bullshit haberdashery that you think is "Important" is mindless busy work for your pointless, go nowhere life. You're not Washington getting the drop on the British Christmas morning, you're Whiteguy McDoucheNozzle buying McGriddles and shopping for an ipod. Your absolutely pointless crap errands can wait while those truly civilized and selfless individuals of humanity are doing what god intended us to do on the weekend: Sleeping the fuck in.

Feel free to repost as always!
PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

Blatent lies about World War II that you'd probably believe

So there's this awesome thing I discovered a while back and I wanted to share it with the world.

I was reading this article about the Allied forces in World War 2 attempting to make Hitler more docile by sneaking female hormones into his salads. The theory was that if we could manage to calm him down a bit it would be of strategic importance and give us the upper hand. I remember thinking at the time "Well that's a pretty ingenious plan" at the time, with the possible exceptions being:

1. Instead of making him a more docile military leader they could have just snuck in arsenic and made him a much more DEAD leader.

2. While it would have MOSTLY worked, he would have been much more likely to be kinder and gentler 3/4 of the time but then there'd be about a week out of every month where he'd get unreasonably moody, demanding, bloated due to water weight gain and complainy and make up for it by being a REAL fucking cunt to the Jews, so it would probably come out in the wash anyways.

Anyways, it got me thinking that, shit, there are a lot of wild facts out there going around about World War 2 but in reality, there's also probably a lot of bullshit too. I mean seriously, if I were to make up a lie, right here on the spot, would YOU know it? Aside from Googling it, would you have any real way to quantify what I was saying? Hell no. You don't know shit about WW2. Want me to prove it? Ok, read on. I am going to tell you 2 things about that war and I want you to guess which one is a blatantly fucked up lie.

Item 1: The Great Panjadrum.

I'm not even entirely sure where to start with this one...the British military had this notion that strapping a shit ton of rockets to a giant wheel, laden with explosives and no discernible means of guidance was a REALLY good idea.

It wasn't.

Your first indicator should be the use of the word "Great" in the devices name. You know how DVD's try to sell more copies by attaching the words "Special edition" or "Unrated" to the packaging? Well, back in the old days the word "Great" was usually attached to shitty entertainers and sub-optimal engineering garbage we threw together at the last moment.

The first attempt sucked root as the Panjadrum just sat there and several rockets ripped off and went flying into the crowd of spectators. The solution, which would later become an oft employed strategy of the United States military in the face of any strategic failure, was as follows "Send more rockets".

So they did, they attached a shitload more rockets at which point it did what any right thinking person who has ever seen a situational comedy already knew would happen, it took off like an NFL player accused of killing a pedestrian in a drunk driving accident and flew right the hell towards the spectators and engineers (yes, there were spectators because they decided to do this on a beach where a lot of people vacationed and apparently the phrase "Get the fuck back, we're testing new explosives that might kill you all and it's kind of a secret" hadn't been invented yet.

However, that level of failure was merely tragic and had not yet crossed the line into "Hilariously tragic" and as such they set about attaching more rockets and trying one last time. Here's an actual account of that day by a BBC reporter -

"At first all went well. Panjandrum rolled into the sea and began to head for the shore, the Brass Hats watching through binoculars from the top of a pebble ridge... Then a clamp gave: first one, then two more rockets broke free: Panjandrum began to lurch ominously. It hit a line of small craters in the sand and began to turn to starboard, careering towards Klemantaski, who, viewing events through a telescopic lens, misjudged the distance and continued filming. Hearing the approaching roar he looked up from his viewfinder to see Panjandrum, shedding live rockets in all directions, heading straight for him. As he ran for his life, he glimpsed the assembled admirals and generals diving for cover behind the pebble ridge into barbed-wire entanglements. Panjandrum was now heading back to the sea but crashed on to the sand where it disintegrated in violent explosions, rockets tearing across the beach at great speed."

Ok, go back, re-read that and imagine Eddy Murphy and Jim Carey as the scientists shitting their pants in an over-animated and comic fashion as the retarded wheel of rocket firing death bore down on them at speeds in excess of 70 MPH and tell me that this isn't a bullshit story taken directly from a scrapped buddy comedy. In my minds eye, I can see this event occurring in no other fashion than in sped up double time while "Yakkity Sax" plays as the soundtrack.

The project was scrapped for, get this, safety concerns. How badly have you miscalculated when your contribution to war is turned down because it's PROBABLY TOO DEADLY. Because what you were proposing was just too damned fucked up to ever be considered for deployment? How many people out there can count "I made a weapon but it was declined by the military because they were all like 'Whoa dude, waaaay too deadly for our liking!'" as a feather in their cap?

I can only imagine that everyone in this project went home and killed themselves, probably by trying to eat a toaster loaded with pop bottle rockets.

Item 2: Bat bombs.

Although widely rumored to be early products of Wayne Industries, these were in fact the brainchild of a dental surgeon who submitted the idea to the Whitehouse that we could attach small bombs to bats, release the bats over Japan where they would then fly into the rafters of building and explode a little while later.

Go back and read that sentence again, out loud. Someone, whose primary specialty in life was dentistry, had the gall to go to the Whitehouse and tell them that we should make bombs out of bats and level Japan with them. First off, I can only assume that the admissions policies for the oval office were FAR less strict back in those days, and secondly who the hell would have ok'd THAT?

Well they did. Someone actually went "Bat bombs, yeah that makes sense, let's go ahead and get the ball rolling on that one!" The only logical conclusion I can make is that the 40's were a time in which everyone, at every level in the chain of command in the United States Government had, in fact, come from a farm. That the nation was still so young that basically everyone, regardless of their position, knew how to milk a cow and shoe a horse, so when an idea like Bat Bombs came along it really sounded pretty plausible to the cabinet members in Washingtucky.

The plan was to dispatch 10 B52 bombers from Alaska to drop 1,040,000 bats onto Japan. There was one setback when the bats actually got loose and blew up the very place they were being housed at the time. That's how you know the idea you came up with is a keeper, when whatever you've made to blow something the fuck hell up actually ends up blowing YOUR OWN shit up before you've even had a chance to test it, ask Ascanio Sobrero who couldn't keep his invention from blowing up long enough to rebuild the previous manufacturing plants it it just got done destroying.

The Bat Bomb Project was nicknamed Project X-Ray by the military but it wasn't for fear of discovery and subsequently compromising the integrity or the project, but because after spending over $2,000,000 on the project they would be god DAMNED if the Japanese heard about their idea and all died laughing before we had a chance to blow them up with our bats that we spent so much time working on. We'd just feel REALLY stupid then.

At any rate, X-Ray was cancelled when the atomic bomb started looking like a real feasible option and someone who wasn't drunk on moonshine and in a position of power said "Yeah, let's do THAT ONE!" because while I'm sure that the Bat Bombs seemed like a good idea at the time, it's a bit like being trapped in a room where the only thing to stick your cock in is a toaster, but you feel silly when a vagina comes in at the last moment.

Alright, so you've heard 2 absolutely absurd stories of wartime haberdashery and I am going to give you all a moment to decide which one was total crap and which one was true. Scroll down when you're ready to be dicked in the brain by historical accuracy.
Ready? The sad truth is, they're both true. Both of these crazy ass, half baked train wrecks somehow made it beyond the stage where everyone involved should have been fired and made it to actual testing. Seriously, go look them up. This just proves my point that so MUCH wacky shit happened in WW2 that there's a pretty good chance that if you blatantly lie about an event that never happened, people will never wise up and try to disprove it. World War 2 was pretty much a nonstop stream of historic fucking weirdness that after the fact just gets even more fucked up, like the fact that even though Hitler was being a dick, even by our lax racist standards of the 40's, we still bestowed the honor of being Time Magazines "Man of the year" and hosting the Olympics (not shitting you on either of those, go look them up)

As such, I want to conduct an experiment wherein I have concocted an awesomely blatant historical error that I want everyone to try to establish as a fact. Here it is -

At the beginning of the war it was un-seasonably hot in Germany so Nazi leaders had this idea - To lure all the Jews inside of the cattle cars by putting ice cream in the very, very back of each car. They did this because it was far easier than forcibly rounding up people and throwing them inside. As time went on and dairy became a more valuable commodity they stopped putting ice cream inside the cars and just started blatently lying, because Nazis are real dicks like that. The Nazis even went so far as to tell them that they made a mistake and the ice cream was in another train that would be along pretty soon so just keep working and they'd let them know when it got there.

The really FUCKED up thing is that they would carry this lie on for so long that when the Allied forces finally liberated the camps the first question that was usually asked was "Where is the ice cream?"

At any rate, let's see if we can't get this rumor started. The thing is, I need YOUR help to make this happen. It will be pretty easy I think, just wait for a situation where you can work it into conversation. Next time you're at work and someone is like "Oh man, this policy change is total bullshit" just be all like "Yeah, this is like the ice cream with the Jews thing all over again" which will of course cause them to ask you what the flying dick squid you're talking about and then you can launch into the story. Let''s make this happen! My goal is to get this on the History Channel by the end of the year!
PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

Zombie Hoarders - Hoarders Parody Film

This is the latest film I have created, ZOMBIE HOARDERS, a parody of the A&E show Hoarders.

If you're a fan of the show or the zombie genre in any form, you need to see this. If you think zombies are played out and wish people would shut the fuck up about them, play it anyway. The view count goes up whether you hate it or not and that's good enough for me! References to Resident Evil and a few other genre flicks in there...

Seriously though, it's fucking good and you'll like it. Feel free to cross post it elsewhere, word of mouth is what helps our films the most (That and giant piles of cash, which have not yet happened, so I will settle for people telling their friends about it)

In the event that Livejournal is being a giant piece of rhino crap and not showing the video content correctly, here's a solid link that you can click on just in case -

PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

My art for sale!

In the past my art has been made for mainly 2 reasons. The first was usually as gifts for friends, heavy ass gifts emblazoned with skulls and sharp edges capable of inflicted deep tissue lacerations, but gifts nonetheless. The second reason was as home decor because I’m too cheap to go to Hobby Lobby and buy some wicker baskets to spruce the place up.

My new reason for making art is to get my friend Kevin and my mother to shut the hell up about how I should be making art and selling it. I’d say they mention it about twice a month and this is an experiment to see if they are correct and I can indeed sell my art, or if they are wrong and I can tell them to be quiet already. In one scenario I get to be right, in the other I get to be wrong but I get money, which is kind of like a superior version of being right where it doesn’t matter how wrong you are because you’re holding a fistful of cash.

On to the sculpture itself. A lot of people list ordinary items on Ebay and Etsy claiming they have supernatural powers, are haunted or inhabited by ghosts of concentration camp victims, etc. I once saw a “Haunted” hope chest that claimed it was a WW2 item that smelled like piss sometimes. Unlike all the haunted crap on Ebay, this piece boasts some actual, real, quantifiable badassery so forget all those pee smelling antiques and listen up -

It is nearly 6 feet long and it weighs about as much as a teaspoon of supernova and is suitable for use as a murder weapon, and not in the Clue “In the drawing room with a candlestick” sense, but in the “When dropped from an aircraft onto a third world nation for purposes of genocide/ethnic cleansing” sense.

The unistrut used in the construction as well as the diamond plate are from my armored hearse, Alexi, so years from now when I am absurdly rich and famous you can brag that you own something that has pieces of my car on it. The gear in the center has its own story, a story that cost me 3 days of freedom and I am not going to go into for anyone who hasn’t paid for the piece, let’s just say it’s an interesting story and leave it at that.

So there you have it, this piece is for sale at $300. You can pick it up locally or I can ship it to you at cost. Any interested parties can contact me at I accept Paypal and credit/debit cards.

PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

(no subject)

I will preface this with a brief explanation. I have been a Nine Inch Nails fan since waaay back in the day (Owned a cassette of Pretty Hate Machine) and everything since then. My obsession with NIN has gone with me through the years and I've always wanted to do a short film incorporating this passion. Another passion of mine No shit.

Back in about 1994 a goth girl from the East coast insisted that I dress like we were going to a club and dragged me to a bingo parlor filled with old people. I remember playing and thinking "This is so lame, this is so lame, this is so fucking...HEY! I'm really close to winning $500! This ROCKS!" Thus began my obsession with bingo. There is something awesome about invading a place mostly occupied by octogenarians when you and all your friends are dressed in all black, fishnets and eyeliner. Add the fact that you can win money and it becomes ten times more awesome.

Closer to Bingo is a song about exactly that and is a parody of the video styles of Closer, Wish, Perfect Drug and March of the Pigs.

Enjoy and feel free to post it elsewhere!

PEEEOWWWW! I shoot at chew!

Screw your bullshit job application questions!

FYI, I was pretty tired when I wrote this, but I felt like posting something today.

Two things that can go get fucked so quick they'd make the Flash look like a geriatric turtle that ONLY accept applications submitted through their website application process that ask you to upload a resume, THEN make you type in all the shit that was ON the resume you JUST uploaded. The other thing that can go get fucked is people who call BACK on applications and ask the question -

"If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be!?"

My answer is ALWAYS the same. I refuse to disparage myself, even to prove that I can. What's the point, so you can hear me talk shit about the most awesome person I know, but not SO badly that you don't want to hire me? Here's a better idea, you go brush your asshole and your teeth so that when the pure force of how awesome I am hits you in the back of the head so hard that your spine folds, causing you to whip around into your own ass it will be a clean kiss, how about that?

Here is what I honestly tell these fools - "I am over 30, I have spent my entire life becoming the person I want to be, if I am not capable of doing that in over 3 decades I would be a sorry excuse for a man and I wouldn't expect you to hire me"

No, I'm not making this up, I tell them this and sometimes they even want to press the issue, clearly not getting the hint but it's true, I am who I want to be. Now, if you want to know what I'd change about everyone ELSE I can fill your ears with THAT.

What would I change about everyone else?

I'd pass a law that there are now 3 genders, female, male and bitch.

If you're born with a vagina you're automatically female. If you're born with a dong you are by default a bitch. You cannot graduate from being a bitch until you can do ALL of the following, which most of you sad, pathetic, sorry excuse for men can't do these days -

1. Fuck for more than 3-5 minutes without blowing your load. 5 minutes is a lot of time to wait for someone to pick up the phone, it's a long time to wait at a stop light, but it aint a long time for dicking. Learn some control of your own body you inconsiderate assholes.
2. Change a tire, spark plugs and oil on your car. I am so sick of you dickless pussies who can't do shit that 50 years ago EVERY man knew how to do.
3. Have had at least 2 fist fights in your adult life. You don't have to win them, you just have to not be such a pussy that you run from them.
4. Remember at least 10 things your partner likes. Being a considerate partner, again, just something that makes you a man.
5. Actually know what a date is. You know how many women I've met lately that have NEVER been on a date? Seriously, what is with you sad fucks that you don't know how to dress up and take a woman on a date?
6. Fix at least 3 household fixtures and own a hammer, pipe wrench, pliers, a complete metric AND standard socket set, a jack, duct tape, screwdrivers, drill, measuring tape and at least 5 more common tools aside from the one listed above that you can only use for 3-5 minutes before it wears out and you need a new one.

And what's with you WOMEN who put out for these sorry sacks of shit? You're half to blame in this too! Start demanding a little more and maybe guys will shape the fuck up and put on their A game.

I'd make the act of sending more than 2 texts per hour for ANY reason while in the company of actual human beings is legal cause for the other person whose live, in the flesh company you are actively and rudely ignoring to grab your head and slam it against the table. A second offense within 132 months is cause for the victim to jam your phone into the smallest orifice you possess.

Speaking of phones, anyone who has a smart phone should only be able to use it when wearing a giant, neon DUNCE hat. Seriously, technology is supposed to do things a human CAN NOT DO, technology these days does shit you'd have to be retarded not to be able to do on your own, like navigate the fucking city you live in, decide where to eat at or look up shit that should be common knowledge.

I'd make wearing a V-Neck as a man punishable by death.

If you are a man and you wear a V-neck sweater you were actually born with a vagina. Seriously, check it, it's probably still there and needs to be cleaned because you forgot about it until the moment you saw that V-Neck and did NOT immediately think "I'm not wearing that shit, what the hell is it doing in the MEN'S section!?"

I'm ok with guys doing a lot of things, wearing makeup, doing other men (because honestly, the MANLIEST thing you can EVER do is fuck another guy) but wearing a V-neck is like riding a My Little Pony bike. I will never EVER respect any guy who wears a V-neck ANYTHING. A pink polo shirt is better than that. I've seen guys wearing leather harnesses with giant studs and a buttplug and not thought "Whoah, what a femme!" but EVERYTIME I see a V-neck I think that without fail.


Playing video games in front of your girlfriend - Here's another complaint I am hearing from a lot of women "Yeah, I was with my boyfriend the other night and I just sat there the whole entire time while he played Call Of Duty"

If this is you, if you have EVER had a girl over and for ANY reason had them sit around while YOU play a video game...uhm...there's no nice way to put this...FUCK YOU. First off, you're an asshole, no one wants to watch you play video games for two reasons. The primary reason is that it's inconsiderate, it's like inviting someone over to watch you eat a giant pizza but not offering them any. Secondly, modern video games suck a lame camel's dick. There, I said it. What do I mean? How can I possibly ignore the awesome graphics and soundtracks and bullshit like covert missions and yackity fucking smackity of a modern video game? How can I say games suck when there are zombie add ons and bullshit like that? Pretty fucking easily, that's how.

I hate new video games. For one thing there are always a million god damned buttons so I can do shit like change the camera view. If I need more than one stick to walk forward and ruin someone's shit in a video game, it's already failed at the design stage. I shouldn't spend the first day of playing game feeling like I'm a recovering degenerative disease patient trying to learn to walk and fire a Mac10 again.

The other thing is this - reloading is bullshit. I hate all the games where I have to reload shit, ESPECIALLY THE HANDGUN. Like Asimov created the rules of Robotics, Atari created the rules for video game guns and it's that your shitty default weapon, the handgun, NEVER EVER runs out of bullets.

The other problem is that games are WAY too realistic. No, I'm not complaining about the fact that there's realistic gore, adult themes or the chance that it will trigger a culture of violence in our youth, I'm pretty ok with all of that, it's that video games are now emulating BORING SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. I was playing some shooter game set in Iraq and I remember walking around because you had to GO FIND the enemy. Seriously. They were there, somewhere, but not exactly where I was at, so I wandered into a warehouse and shot at a propane tank for like 5 minutes before turning the piece of shit game off.

Hey, dipshit designers, I am NOT going to go look for my enemy. As far as video game me is concerned if the second I hit select start the enemy is not pouring over the walls shooting at me there is NOT a problem. I am not going to go out and intentionally start shit just so I can shoot something, PLUS I'd have to go find ammo and rocket launchers and flack jackets. I hate this shit, it's like in video games now I have to spend half my time working my ass off getting the shit I'll need to have a few minutes worth of fun. I actually have to WORK in a GAME. Fuck that, I HAVE a situation that requires huge amounts of effort for highly disproportionate amounts of payoff, it's called LIFE. My video games should not involve that level of bullshit.

Anyways, if any potential employers Googled my name after finding my resume...let me close by saying I'm an ambitious team player who loves people.

And I can fuck for more than 5 minutes.

PS: If you're looking for a way to thank me for putting everything you've ever believed into words in such an awesome way, go check out the Kickstarter page I made for our next SORP Film, Nurse Necro M.D. we could use the support! Thanks!